Tom Mcrae From The Lowlands Tour At The Engine Shed, Lincoln. With Supporting Act Trevor Moss And Hannah Lou.
(Apologies! This will not be a fashion blog post as from time to time I want to mention other interests which matter to me,)
I wanted to include a YouTube video at the start of this post uploaded by Tom Mcrae, it is the teaser to his album. A lot of his music from his latest album, From The Lowlands isn't available to listen to on the internet. I had to pay £10 for the CD, but honestly, this album is priceless to me now. The reason I have included the video at the top is because I want you all to listen to it and embrace its beauty. It is a section of my favourite song on Tom Mcrae's latest album called The Alphabet of Hurricanes. You can hear a few live performances of this song online which are naturally still great because Tom Mcrae has an incredible voice however, I still adore every element of the music used in this track on his album From The Lowlands. So please listen to the teaser, to get an understanding of this song's beauty and continue reading the post!
Tom Mcrae has been of my favourite singers/songwriters/musicians since I was reasonably young. I remember the first time I ever heard him strum his guitar, heard his voice and embraced his eerie and painful lyrics. I encountered him as a supporting act to Dido in Bristol when I was probably about eleven or twelve? I think I had just about reached the age in my life where I realised Linkin Park didn't connect with me, that a supposed 'sad' single by Beyoncé or Britney Spears just left me feeling even more let down by "emotional" music, no I don't mean emo hair styles in music...
I might have been young, but I had always grown up fairly alone, I grew up an only child, I went to an all girls school where, let's say, I didn't have the best of times. I didn't exactly fit in and would spend most of my time alone drawing and painting in the art rooms at school or reading books under trees pretending I was in another world. My only form of social interaction usually were my cousins, aunties and uncles of which I saw once a year and my father's friends. Most of my interaction with people were with those much older than me. If I did mix with people in school, it was mostly in the years above as well. I guess in this sense, you can see the world in a different way sooner? Sometimes I feel like I began looking at the real world a bit too young, I wonder if I would have been less 'odd' to people if I had mixed with people my own age. So I guess you could say, I had a lonely childhood, lonely teenage years... but you learn to love your own company I guess.
I remember the first time I heard Tom Mcrae, I felt a connection. Of course I was still too young to really fully appreciate his metaphorical lyrics in the way I do today but regardless, the melodies and his voice. I felt even at that age, I could relate to his lyrics. I could feel frustration, I could feel sadness, I could feel loneliness, I could feel heartbreak... This music haunted me when I first heard it and ever since, Tom Mcrae always remained one of my favourite singer-songwriters of all time.
Here is a recording I made of Tom Mcrae's song 2nd Law which he performed in The Engine Shed in Lincoln on Tuesday the 6th of November.
I have a very strong memory of my art exam during GCSEs. It was something crazy like a ten hour sit down of painting, although, I love painting, so I was delighted by this. We were also allowed to listen to music of our choice, so I took along my Tom Mcrae CDs with my CD Walkman player as I was still a bit out dated ha.
I'm pretty certain I had Mermaid Blues on repeat for hours, followed by You Cut Her Hair, then eventually obsessed with every track. Ten hours of just listening to Tom Mcrae... how amazing.
Next I saw Tom Mcrae perform in the O2 Academy in Bristol in 2010. Again he was incredible, I was left feeling a complete buzz and felt so much energy from his music.
Now I am 21. I have had an interesting experience at university. I had bullying throughout secondary school, I broke apart from a two and a half year relationship towards the end of sixth form and experienced some self discovery during my first year at Oxford Brookes University before transferring to the University of Lincoln. I thought I knew what it meant to have problems... no doubt bullying is horrendous, we only have to look at cases such as the sad story of Amanda Todd to realise how terrible it can be. However, I guess, with bullying, there can be hope that one day it will end, you just have to have the strength to fight past it, I hope more people can in future.
I came to the University of Lincoln in a relationship, over weight, no fashion sense and perhaps somewhat socially awkward from my fear of living in halls. However, I came to university somewhat happy. I was anxious about leaving Bristol because of my relationship but I had strong hope it would last. Unfortunately, this would be the first time in my life I truly understood the pain of heartbreak... not just a gutted feeling of being rejected, or getting dumped after a "I didn't even know what was going on". I had met somebody I knew I would give my life for, I had met someone who for one reason or another would lose feelings for me, I had met someone I would pay £120 to hop on a five hour train journey to rush to, to go to a bench at 9am, to meet them, to wait until 11pm, in the rain, alone and crying to know they would never come back. I remember the pain of arriving at the train station the next day, twenty minutes before my train back to Lincoln was due. I remember feeling sick, I remember shaking, I remember wanting to die. I remember ringing him, I remember leaving a voice message telling him the time of my train, I remember saying I'd wait as long as it took. I would wait, a minute, then two, five... My mother would say I have to go. Do you know what I said at this point?
I said, 'No mum, you don't understand. You see, he wants it to feel like a fairy tale. He wants me to think I will never see him again so that he will appear at the last minute, to hug me, to look into my eyes and say everything would be okay.'
I genuinely believed that... I couldn't understand what had happened to this person I would do anything for. I remember when I came to that horrifying realisation that he would not be coming to tell me anything. He was gone. I was alone. I remember walking through the train barriers, checking over my shoulders, every corner of the station, every bench... just in case, he was hiding to see me. I had to step onto my train and I waited by the door and I remember, the moment that door closed... I felt dead inside.
I honestly can't recall much from that time onwards aside from listening to music. Mostly Tom Mcrae, to make me feel less alone. I think I spent most of my time in bed, I couldn't socialise, I hated waking up, I hated realising the truth. I would have dreams that we were together again and wake up, in tears. Honestly, I have no idea how I moved past it. I'm pretty certain I went a little bit off the rails for a few months and shortly after my beautiful auntie passed away aged just 46.
I had been fortunate at university, to meet some nice people at the right times, they helped some what, but I still felt quite alone. I couldn't be in a relationship again. Not because I was scared but I could no longer feel. I didn't remember how to care about someone in the way I cared about him. I didn't understand how it was possible to recover from heart break.
Looking back on it now is rather weird... It's hard to have imagined back then, I'd be engaged today and I would be a very different person to who I was then. I still get very upset remembering it, not because it still bothers me, I am completely over it, I just don't like remembering the impact it had on me. I don't like remembering that I craved self destruction.
However, regardless of whether his music is upsetting or not, I felt a connection with Tom Mcrae's music. His music guided me through these feelings. I have listened to him almost every day since I've been at the University of Lincoln. I felt lonely, not because I didn't have friends at university, but because I couldn't express the extremes of my thoughts. Other people don't want to be brought down, they all had their own problems. So I began drawing and writing again. I felt his music connect with me yet encourage me to pick myself back up.
Since being with my fiancé I want to say things had improved. In a lot of respects of course but I didn't realise what I would encounter in second year of university. Whether it is petty or not, I guess I developed insecurities about myself rapidly at university. I wasn't used to hearing skinny girls bang on about how gross being fat was, day in day out. I wasn't used to hearing the world revolved around looks. I wasn't used to hearing that it was okay for friends to flirt with friends with what seemed like no line drawn? I felt odd and very out of place. My vision of university before I went was something more like on the film, 'A Beautiful Mind.' I thought it would be a place of enthusiasm, where everybody was very quirky, individual, dressed old fashioned or would walk out into the country side for inspiration or to read books. Instead it seemed more like school/sixth form without any boundaries... The amount of days I would spend locked in my room in halls, crying, scared and gradually making myself ill. I didn't understand this fascination of if I didn't want to go out clubbing one night I was an evil person? I felt like I wasn't allowed to be myself. So eventually after getting woken up time after time at 4am, have people insult me about my height on nights out, have people steal my belongings or smash up my crockery, girls insult me, managers shout at me, customers shout abuse, landlords cheat you out of money, it got to a stage when I couldn't cope... I became ill with severe stomach pains, it was difficult to move and my constant worrying would cause me to vomit and tense up. I was in hospital a couple of times for checks, but nobody really offered any help to stop my pain. I couldn't face going anywhere because I felt so lost, nowhere felt like home... and eventually it got to a stage where I was too frightened to return to my halls. My landlord would not do anything. I would have to sofa hop for four months to complete my second year of university. I had to resign from my job as my weight continued to plummet. It reached a stage where I began suffering from stomach bleeding and although I had some wonderful friends help and support me through that time, I was struggling to cope with not having a home where I felt safe. I was paying £98 a week for a place I couldn't set foot into. It felt long... each day I wanted to not wake up... I was worried I would fail my second year... I felt let down by university... I wanted to learn, I wanted to be able to graduate with a first and feel proud. I wanted to continue to do something incredible with my life but at this point I felt like a failure. I couldn't eat, I couldn't walk, all I could do was lie on the floor and worry too much to sleep. Eventually my parents took me home for a week, I think they were both upset and shocked to see what my body had become, I had gone from rounded to jagged. I would lie on the sofa and not manage to move, if I moved, I would be sick. I think my parents panicked I was dying a bit, but it was just extreme stress I think. I remember the days I had to come back up to Lincoln to hand in assignments or sit exams and it felt horrible. I couldn't face this place or stomach the thought of sleeping on a floor again... During that whole time, I had my MP3, as it is my favourite possession. I would walk out to the fields, away from everything, somewhere where nobody would find me and I would sit. I would sit and listen to his music and wait because really, there was nothing I else I could do. Once my contract was up, I would be okay again.
So now I am in my third year. My weight and health is still an issue. My insecurities are still there, I still worry that other girls are insulting me for reading graphic novels or for studying computer games. However, I am more motivated. I am working hard at university and now filling my spare time with this wonderful blog to you wonderful readers. Naturally, I follow Tom Mcrae on Twitter and Facebook and was somewhat shocked when he announced he would be touring in Lincoln at The Engine Shed...
I didn't care about my bank balance, I wasn't missing this for the world. I definitely needed to hear his wonderful music, live, again. It was incredible.
To begin with, I was introduced to a supporting act called, Trevor Moss and Hannah Lou who were such a delightful and lovely couple! Their music was wonderful and I wish them the best of luck with their music careers. I filmed a solo performance by Hannah Lou, which I found rather haunting that I recommend you all listen to!
Then Tom Mcrae came on stage, he made us laugh through his wonderful sense of humour and created a wonderful atmosphere in the room. He played a few tracks off of his latest album and others from his earlier albums.
I did not record the next video, however I wanted to share a live recording of the Alphabet of Hurricanes song which I love so much below for you all to listen to as you read the next bit.
So his performance was gripping. I felt myself being absorbed by his music and generally felt a great buzz from the room. It reminded me yet again of how much I want to write a novel or graphic novel and how much I would want to use Tom Mcrae as a soundtrack if ever my novel were made into a film. I should stop dreaming though as right now I am a nobody, so why would he care that I'd want to do that? I just sound like an odd ball... ha.
I made two purchases at the end of Tom Mcrae's solo performance. One being his album, From The Lowlands as I had not yet been able to hear the whole thing. Another was a 'Message in a Bottle' pendant from his song titled, 'From The Lowlands' on this album.
The inside of the pendant box had lyrics from the, 'From The Lowlands' song. This pendant cost me £8, but I found it so amazing to hold, I had to purchase one. The people selling the items told me each one was unique, supposedly Tom Mcrae has written a message inside each one and signed it. However, I don't want to break the seal, it looks too beautiful.
I love this pendant as I can hear Tom Mcrae's music in my head when I hold it and I also find it an inspiration for my creative writing, as if I could use this as an artefact in one of my (Ahem, what I would wish to be.) novels. I guess not knowing the sealed message is exciting, I could always save it for a time I'm needing a connection to reassure me I'm not alone and other people feel the same things.
I loved reading his message inside of his album, again it felt meaningful, personal and powerful. Tom Mcrae has such a talent with words.
Ha, I have finger prints all over this because I can't let go of it...
So then, around midnight after arriving home I decided to listen to the album. I did not go to bed last night. I listened to this album on repeat for 11 hours until I had to attend my supervisor meeting for my dissertation. (Which went really well regardless of no sleep, it appears I produce better work if I don't sleep ha.) I found myself crying, listening to the album, in particular to the Alphabet of Hurricanes track... I felt like all of these older painful memories were brought up in my mind about my experiences of sleeping on a floor for months, waiting on a bench for over 12 hours in the rain for somebody who would never come, standing for the whole five hour train journey back to Lincoln from Bristol because I wanted to wait by the door in case he came back... remembering the loneliness through school, remembering my own dark thoughts at times. I'm crying slightly, even now, as I am still playing the album... I have never had a piece of music make me cry before. I feel as though perhaps, I have a very special connection to this album, I'm not sure why... I'm sure by the fact that Tom Mcrae can write emotional music so well is a fairly good indication that he has been through far worse than me and that I probably am being ridiculous to feel such a connection with this album having the good quality of life that I have. Regardless, I can't let it go... I've spent a lot of today, holding that 'Message in a bottle' pendant and reading over Tom Mcrae's message in his album. I can't help but think he must be a fantastic person to chat with in a pub.
As I am coming out the other end of my own personal problems now, all I am left with is determination to one day get my novel idea going and published. For some reason, I feel like if ever I could be successful, this album will be playing a huge part in that.
So thank you Tom Mcrae, (not that I expect you to ever read through this wailing long message that is very much put to shame by your meaningful lyrics) for producing this album. I am grateful that you were true to your songs as it really shows. This is honestly one of the most beautiful albums I will ever come across in my lifetime and I really hope you know how much difference your music has made to probably, many peoples' lives.
